The ramblings of JB-the week before the Triathlon

It has been a while since I did a blog--things are always crazy in my mind. Today just seems more like a day to put a blog down in words.

I have been "training for a triathlon". I have always swam, but I started to swim more. Really tried to get to the pool swim between 800-1200 yards twice a week. I bought a road bike. If you know me, I am cheap. I screw up my own hair every time because I won't pay for that (I have but not much) So it's not the best bike in the world and it cost me 206 dollars while others will be riding bikes between 2000-5000 dollars. It looks pretty though and it rides okay.

What I learned about biking-remember when we were kids-we rode our bikes everywhere? We would ride them until the street lamps came on? Now we look at it like its a chore another exercise to loathe, Why? It is still so fun. I rode 8 miles with Brant by my side-he saw it as fun-flying down the hills, being on his bike for so long. I am looking at my cadence and thinking of how many calories it burns. How sad-it was really fun.

Of course running-I hate it because I suck at it and will never be good at it. Why bother doing an event where running follows so much other stuff? AM I CRAZY!!!!!!!

I feel like I have to do it b/c i have put so much money and time into it already, but I feel like I still need so much. I paid my registration fee, just ordered a new tri suit (OMgosh how expensive), I still need toe clips for my pedals, and I will prob. need a hotel b/c it is too far to drive in the morning of and I will be a wreck anyways--I am praying that tri suits fits b/c they don't make tri suits for FAT people because THEY DON'T DO TRIATHLONS. I am seriously crazy. I feel like I want to blink this all a dream.

People say who care how you do, just that you did it. FOR REAL, they don't even believe that as they say that. I don't want my children to watch me walk into the finish line nor do I want them seeing me get last.

Then there's the shoulder that burns inside as if I lit it on fire and swimming is my one saving grace. My way to have an advantage time wise.

What I want most is to BELIEVE in myself. I want to visualize me crossing the finish line and not being last. I want to see that I can do this. I just don't see it or feel it. I keep thinking, ARE YOU CRAZY???

I have trained this week out of fear when I was suppose to be tapering. I am so sore and I need to chill. I keep eating cookies b/c I am soooo stressed out and they make me feel better for 2 minutes. I know I have burned the calories but I don't need that junk.

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength..... Phillipians

Nothing is impossible through Christ Jesus my Lord Luke

I need more verses, I need calm, I need faith

Wish my husband could be there or my Mom----But God is with me and Alyssa and Brant will be there too

Bless Other, Keep the Peace-Life Lessons

Yesterday in my sermon I was reminded of some Bible verses I read long ago, but I needed to hear again. In Romans, Chapter 12, It says to Bless those who persecute us. Those who know me are aware that there are a few power seeking people at my work that thrive on persecuting others to assert their power. In my role as Grade level leader this year, I am an easy target to do this to. This year I have an awesome Grade level. We are all very different. We have different methods, we have varyng years of experience, and our life experiences have been very different. We are everything you would think would not work, but it does. Those of you who do not work in a school-you must do everything with your grade level. If there are issues-it will run into your classroom, personal life, and more and suck the life out of you (been there). I am here on the greener side of the pasture this year. With that said, life would seem to be pretty easy at the job. My team ROCKS!!! and I got a good class (intellectually)-emotionally is a different story-.
But there are a select few in the realm of power that are intent in making my life a living hell. So I took this Bible verse to heart. I mean-I simply cannot wrap my mind around loving my enemy. I know Jesus did this, BUT he is Jesus (I am wayy worse than him). I do think I can bless those who persecute me-maybe I can pray for them, mayble I can give them a pick me up, or a simple have a good day. I can do this and I started my efforts today. Other verses to mention in the same Bible section brought some COLD HARD realities to me. Keep the harmony ( I don't always have to prove that I'm right). It is better to just move on and keep the peace. There is SOOO much to be learned from the Bible. What I keep finding out-I have heard these verses before-but this is just the RIGHT time in my life that I need them. I started this blog-for those who could use the same things I am benefiting from. p.s. I have time to blog-but there is no time to proofread..

Clarity

Last Sunday, my notes from the sermon read
God puts you through hard/difficult times for the following reasons:
1. Change Us
2. Correct Us
3. Protect Us
4. Humble Us
5. Test Us
I am thinking the whole time about a friend of mine that is struggling with her life. She was saying how stressed she was. She shouldn't have made the choices she made for her life and her husband. I wanted to tell her some Bible verses from the sermon about God may be testing her to see if she will fall into Satan, or it may be the other reason, but regardless, it was God's will she is where she is, and it is time to move forward. I debated telling her, but I didn't want to seem like I was telling her what to do. The point of all of this-that the sermon never really felt like it was for me-I already knew all that-but for me to pass on to people who may need Bible Verses to remind them of what they already know.
I woke up Monday morning-ready for a busy week, a stressful-TAKS test week, and I am in a car accident on my way to work. I have such bad anxiety in cars as it is, and the was NOT the week for this in my life. I sat around in a pool of SELF PITY all week. Hating that my husband wasn't here, hating everyone who asked how I was doing, hating all the people who never asked how I was doing, hating that I could not even take off work because of the STUPID Taks test. I just started examining all the people in my life and deciding that I don't really want any of them in my life-for little things or for big things.I went through all of this all week, instead of taking a step back and remember all the reasons God puts us through hard times. It took the most unlikely of people-to help me weed through my pity party to make me pick up my notes from last Sundays sermon and read it again-FOR ME. My mother said to me so many times I cannot even begin to estimate the count-"Poor pitiful Jennifer, wants to feel sorry for herself, let me play a pity song for you" (as she used her fingers to symbolize her mini violen). With this is my head I tend to feel horrible for having my pity parties-BUT I DECIDED THIS WEEK-IT IS OKAY TO HAVE A PITY-PARTY AS LONG AS THERE IS SOME CLARITY WHEN IT IS OVER. It sucks to go through hard times, and I say to all of you who are going through hard times. Take a look at 1 Peter and see if you find some comfort in what God has in store for you. I really have taken a look at those that go through such hard times when your husband is gone and I hope that you can feel God's hands holding you all the time. It is in KNOWING he is there and KNOWING he has a plan that you can proceed with your life and not get caught up in the world. I am so interested in people commenting and sharing their clarity moments, bible verses, or thoughts. Let's all stick together and get through this life.

I see the light

For those who may not know (I am sure everyone does) I majored in Psychology and have a Masters Degree in Educational Psychology. I say everyone knows that about me because I have a knack of finding a way to squeeze that in. This may seem hauty to some, but if you know where I am coming from you might understand. If any of us know where others are coming from we do understand more. I come from a poor family. My mother had 4 kids on her own and went to college at 28 and finally graduated in her 30's with her teaching degree. I got pregnant with my daughter when I was 16. So this would seem to be the same road I was headed down. People in my small town predicted I might even be the manager at Sonic one day. I had so much to prove to the whole world. I had two kids by the time I was 19. My mom didn't even have her 1st until 21, so I was on a roll. Given my traumatic, abusive, neglectful, loveless childhood, I was naturally drawn to Psychology. When it comes to the fact that I graduated College at 22, my mother said to me how it was hard to be proud for me, because it sends the wrong message to my little sisters (you can get pregnant at 16 and still do something with your life). The statistics remain-2/3 of pregnants teens are on welfare for at least a decade. Then I went on the get my Master's degree at 24. I never know if all of this was for the wrong reasons, but it was my degree. I tried to counsel people in the world, but I realized that I am way to screwed up to help others. I still have all the baggage that that wonderful childhood left me. Before you say it, I know, it is the past and you have to move on from that. I myself have sat there for hours everyday, client after client, telling them the same thing. Helping them work through all their issues. Sooooo I have heard it all and I am saying it is so much easier to say then do. Now I am a teacher. I love it. I have the oppurtunity to be there for other kids going through the same things I went through. I am in a good place now, serving a purpose for others. I have come to realize that all the horrible things that I have endured help me to help others through the same things. I can look back at every soldier I counseled or ever juvenile delinquent I helped and see that that is so true. Now, I am helping those 4th graders that need someone to be there for them. How ironic, I landed at an elementary school in which a large majority of students have 3 or more siblings. I am so fortunate to be where God wants me doing his work-in the public school. I am thankful to wake up each day knowing I am serving a purpose in this world. I am happy to see the light-it is the best way to move on from all the pain.